4.1.08

An Explanation of the Inevitability Principle of Blanched Artichokes

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The Inevitability Principle of Blanched Artichokes is the principle that every person will eat blanched artichokes either in this life or the next. And when I say the next life, every thinking person will realize that if you have not eaten blanched artichokes in this life, you have eaten them in the life before this one, by simple logic. The effects of eating blanched artichokes stretch back over your life previous in the case that you did not happen to eat them in that life, and if you did you end up with effects^2 being applied to your life. This is due to the fact that the squared tangent of effects plus the number of lifes concurrently lived by one person (that is, one) is equal to the inverse of the cosine squared of said effects. If r is equal to effects, it is simple to see that the effects of eating blanched artichokes are related to both time and pressure by the elementary equation of pressure times volume being equal to n times r times temperature and that energy is equal to negative R of h being divided by a number, n, when n is 1, 2, 3, 8, 42, or 1789387458301. Because energy is also equal to mass times the speed of light squared, it is easily proved that r is related to the speed of light. One could also prove this by calculating the average warp speed of an antimatter particle and dividing it by the numbers of oscillations per second of the nearest black hole, multiplying by pi times 3, squaring the result, taking the r root of it, and calculating the average sine function of the answer, then adding 2.99792458 times ten to the eighth power, the result of this equation being equal to the speed of light, or c. As you can see from these elementary proofs, the inevitability principle of blanched artichokes has great impact upon our daily existence, although this is not generally known, and was not known to the thinking men until recently. However, before I explain some of the many intricacies of this principle, let me give you an example. Because I know that you are currently under the effects of blanched artichokes, I can calculate what you ate for breakfast based upon the time of sunrise of the 12th of June in AD 38, the most prominent menu item in McDonalds in the year 2011, your average weight in 1984, and the angle of refraction of the cornea of your left eye. You may find that difficult to believe, but if I were to know all these things, I could calculate your breakfast. For instance, since I know that the sunrise of the 12th of June in AD 38 was precisely 6:04:52.4783932, the most prominent menu item in McDonalds in 2011 was the 13-pack of Chicken McNuggets made with 99% real white meat, my average weight in 1973 was approximately -0 pounds, and the angle of refraction of the cornea of my left eye is exactly 92 degrees, 43 minutes, and 75 seconds, by an ingenious process I determine that I had organic plain yogurt with Polaner strawberry jelly mixed in. And, as that was exactly what I had for breakfast, I have thus demonstrated the inevitability principle of blanched artichokes. The inevitability principle of blanched artichokes is an extremely useful principle because it can be used to determine the past based on past, present, and future events. A practical example of this would be that tomorrow I calculated that this paper would be finished. It can be used to calclulate the success of projects before they complete. As well, the extent of the inevitability principle of blanched artichokes is far from being determined as we are just beginning to explore it and our knowledge grows at an exponential rate based on the equation of knowledge being equal to the inverse of cosine squared cofunction plus the hypontenuse of a squared right rhombic triangle divided by the fifth root of the extent of the spacetime fabric plus the time we spend investingating the inevitability principle of artichokes squared. Due to our lack of knowledge about the inevitability principle of blanched artichokes, thinking men often have conversations with other nonthinkers concerning seemingly benign topics that, with the proper knowledge, are used to expand our knowlege of the inevitability property of blanched artichokes. Allow me to finish with another, more complex, example. This evening I had a conversation concerning a memory program, and the person with whom I was having the conversation said, "Mrs. DeStumpf's room". This led me to deduce that Hilary Clinton was not president in 2034. Allow me to explain. I earlier proved r in relation to c, which sets the stage for calculating this. First, I must know the following information: the mass of a proton, 1.6726231 times ten to the negative twenty-seventh power, the exact time of the arrival of an email notifiying me that the Office Live Workspace has started, 13:28:54.3278, the number of pens in my pen box, eight and one marker, the eqilibrium constant of the cell of the reaction Zn(s) + 2Ag+(aq) -> Zn2+(aq) + 2Ag(s), being equal to 1.56V, the Number of Hilary Clinton, 45, the CD Set number of Microsoft Publisher 2000, X04-84021-M, and the my lottery card pick of the day from the Irish Lottery, 2-3-12-19-32-37. The calculation is as follows: because r is related to c, we can calculate that c squared times m (in this case, 1.6726231 times 13:28:54.3278) is equal to e, which is equal to r of h divided by n, in this case being 8. From this we calculate h and insert that into another equation calculating l as h divided by m times v squared plus the square root of X04-84021-M to the r power, resulting in l which we can use to calculate list A as being equal to 1.56 times negative 45 plus A of 0. These equations result in the quantumn numbers of n being equal to 8, l being equal to 5, and m being equal to 13, which is not possible. Therefore Hilary Clinton wasn't president in 2034.

1 comment:

J.D. said...

Brilliant. You have quite demonstrably proven that the inevitability principle of blanched artichokes is both a lucid and valid explanation for certain phenomenon occurring daily in the world around us.

The technical revelations really are quite startling...for instance, if everyone has eaten a blanched artichoke, either in this life, or in previous/future lives, some entity must be making a killing selling artichokes! This shows, of course, that if some one wishes to be successful, they should start an artichoke farm. The farm may only be successful in the past, but that's okay. Theoretically, it is still successful.

While I do not particularly like Math, I thought your explanation of this phenomena was quite accessible. Good work!