Jimmy Moves to Utah: Part 4

This is, unfortunately, the last in the series, and may be a surprise to some as not even all the authors know this story exists. So, without further ado, Part 4:

Mail User Trasaction Terminal! Jimmy couldn't keep reading, or else he'd laugh--and that would make him nervous, even though he knew they were moving again. To New City in Utah. You couldn't find it on Google Earth yet because Google was too busy documenting the results of a nucular bomb in Russia at the moment. But soon you'd be able to see every Denny's in New city. At least Denny's didn't call their egg McMuffins egg McMuffins even though you could ask for one. The really nice waitress had gone down the street and bought Jimmy one from McDonalds with a side of chicken McNuggets made with artificial white meat. It was almost as good as at Ihop when he had asked for a Lincoln Continental breakfast. The waitress said that he shouldn't believe everything he sees in a movie. So maybe it was a good thing they weren't moving to Canada. Or Cuba, even though orchestrating that would have been difficult even with the bribes that Jimmy had arranged everything with. They had taken up most of the cash he had left from his settlement with Sony. It was a good thing they were now offering to recycle their PS2's and walkmans instead of letting them litter the dumps. Really, we all have to pitch in and help with the global warming issue. That was why Jimmy was moving to Utah. He hoped that among all the Mormons no one would take it amiss that he didn't have solar panels on his roof or walk to Washington DC to take part in riots against the established order. After all, what do you want to riot against an established order for? Jimmy walked out of his room and down the hall, where he unexpectedly ran into Max carrying a stack of boxes. "What are you carring those boxes in for? Were moving out." "Yes, but I'm moving in to practice yoga and headbanging." Jimmy wondered why Max wasn't coming to Utah. "After all, Linux is a good choice for those pursuing mainstream lifestyles." Oh. Well out in the street there were some handballs. Jimmy wanted to run over them, but his mom had laughed so hard that Jimmy freaked out and took three mailboxes with him. But that was when they were moving to Canada. Now they were on their way to Utah, stopped in a rest stop in Kansas City, Missourrii. Jimmy looked for other contradictions in the city, but then decided that it was so backwards even its contradictions were backwards and therefore forwards out of the city. A man driving next to Jimmy was engaged deep in a simulation of North Norwegian healthcare and so Jimmy wasn't sure if he was looking at reality through Google or not. Max pulled up alongside Jimmy in a hotrod using a RAZR V8 running Linux to do his web serving. He had even hacked it so that he had 250 GB of space instead of the standard 2. Jimmy yelled out: "Why do you keep using that evil PSP even after I sued Sony?" Max yelled back, "What PSP? That's your subconscious mind telling you that my RAZR is a PSP because you have been so damaged by Sony you can't tell an Apple from a Dell!" Jimmy was cut off by a jacknifed truck and didn't get to tell Max about the dangers of PSP addiction. Kansas would have been worse, but only if the road hadn't been paved and thus fit into the landscape better, even though he did ride a tractor for a while to generate extra greenhouse gases because he had purchased too many carbon credits. Jimmy was shocked that nothing had been done to enliven the Kansas roads except for adding new billboards concerning Mike Tyson running the "Deal or No Deal" game show in place of John Kerry because he was busy writing sermons for Reverend Jesse Jackson. Sermons aside, Max pulled back up and helped a hijacker tie Jimmy to the hood of a passing semi. The rest of the ride to Utah was exhilarating, but Jimmy ended up getting off a few hundred miles off-course. This could only be solved by riding the strawberry car with the illegals up to New City. When he arrived there, Al Sharpton was conducting a mystic purification of his dwelling so his soul could abide in semi-eternal peace. So long as Sony left him alone, he could be happy.

The moral of the story: The more you write, the weirder it gets...


Matt said...

No, I wasn't aware this part existed. And that moral is so true! So, who wrote this bit?

Mercedes said...

I wrote it, and emailed it to Max (first email I sent from my gmail account =]), but forgot to send it to you.