12.7.08

Random Story 2: Part 2

Continuing in our series, today we have Random Story 2 by Gonkzz:




Jimmy was on his way to E3 ’09. He wanted to go there so he could find out the future of the video game industry so as to be better educated on which companies to invest in. On his way, he almost walked into a bar, but he wasn’t quite tall enough to hit it. Jimmy then decided he would take the long way home which led him to an apple tree. The tree was about 40 meters tall and 3 meters in circumference, but that’s not really important to the story. What is important, however, is that on the tree grew red, green, and golden apples of the sort that you often see on Christmas Trees as ornaments. In other words, they were plastic.
Jimmy, wishing to do a random noble deed, decided he would make a sign warning everyone not to eat the plastic apples. He decided the best way would to do this would be to project a hologram saying: “Do Not Eat the Apples, They Are Plastic,” in front of the tree. But that would be far too expensive! He needed to save his money for deluxe accommodations in Los Angeles when he went to E3. So instead, he built a wood sign. While nailing the sign to the signpost, Jimmy unfortunately got a splinter. This reminded him of a movie he once saw, but he couldn’t remember the name of it. Jimmy decided that the only thing left to do was to chop down the apple tree which had indirectly caused him this pain! So he left to go borrow a chainsaw. When he returned, the tree was gone!
Jimmy cried out in desperation, “You tree! You may have escaped this time, but I’ll find you and chop you down!”
One month later, Jimmy was on an airplane bound for Jordan. The in-flight movie was terrible. It was about an aspirin carver falling in love with an optometrist. By the end of the movie, the aspirin carver’s dog had died forcing him to sell his home, his car, and his Pulitzer prize that he had won after writing his little-know masterpiece, “The Walrus and the Cynic,” and he moved to Siberia where he lived in a cave with the Yeti who was a terribly messy roommate.
Jimmy was so appalled by the movie’s horribleness—the writing, the directing, the acting—that he threw himself out the window of the plane. Fortunately, he had a jetpack and a parachute. But which to use? To decide, Jimmy whipped out his Nintendo DS and started playing chess via wireless network. Unfortunately, Jimmy was paired against someone with the screen name, “dennis_weredana.” “dennis_weredana,” actually turned out to be the long-lost Bobby Fischer, who was once the best chess player in the world. The game ended in a stalemate, so Jimmy still had no idea whether to use the jetpack or the parachute.
Abhorring indecisiveness, Jimmy decided upon the jetpack.

The moral of this story is: don’t measure trees using the metric system.

1 comment:

Matt said...

Ah, junk writing. It's therapeutic.

Funny thing is E3 '09 isn't that far off, but it was when I wrote this. E3 was still a big deal then.