Jimmy Moves to Utah: Part 4

This is, unfortunately, the last in the series, and may be a surprise to some as not even all the authors know this story exists. So, without further ado, Part 4:

Mail User Trasaction Terminal! Jimmy couldn't keep reading, or else he'd laugh--and that would make him nervous, even though he knew they were moving again. To New City in Utah. You couldn't find it on Google Earth yet because Google was too busy documenting the results of a nucular bomb in Russia at the moment. But soon you'd be able to see every Denny's in New city. At least Denny's didn't call their egg McMuffins egg McMuffins even though you could ask for one. The really nice waitress had gone down the street and bought Jimmy one from McDonalds with a side of chicken McNuggets made with artificial white meat. It was almost as good as at Ihop when he had asked for a Lincoln Continental breakfast. The waitress said that he shouldn't believe everything he sees in a movie. So maybe it was a good thing they weren't moving to Canada. Or Cuba, even though orchestrating that would have been difficult even with the bribes that Jimmy had arranged everything with. They had taken up most of the cash he had left from his settlement with Sony. It was a good thing they were now offering to recycle their PS2's and walkmans instead of letting them litter the dumps. Really, we all have to pitch in and help with the global warming issue. That was why Jimmy was moving to Utah. He hoped that among all the Mormons no one would take it amiss that he didn't have solar panels on his roof or walk to Washington DC to take part in riots against the established order. After all, what do you want to riot against an established order for? Jimmy walked out of his room and down the hall, where he unexpectedly ran into Max carrying a stack of boxes. "What are you carring those boxes in for? Were moving out." "Yes, but I'm moving in to practice yoga and headbanging." Jimmy wondered why Max wasn't coming to Utah. "After all, Linux is a good choice for those pursuing mainstream lifestyles." Oh. Well out in the street there were some handballs. Jimmy wanted to run over them, but his mom had laughed so hard that Jimmy freaked out and took three mailboxes with him. But that was when they were moving to Canada. Now they were on their way to Utah, stopped in a rest stop in Kansas City, Missourrii. Jimmy looked for other contradictions in the city, but then decided that it was so backwards even its contradictions were backwards and therefore forwards out of the city. A man driving next to Jimmy was engaged deep in a simulation of North Norwegian healthcare and so Jimmy wasn't sure if he was looking at reality through Google or not. Max pulled up alongside Jimmy in a hotrod using a RAZR V8 running Linux to do his web serving. He had even hacked it so that he had 250 GB of space instead of the standard 2. Jimmy yelled out: "Why do you keep using that evil PSP even after I sued Sony?" Max yelled back, "What PSP? That's your subconscious mind telling you that my RAZR is a PSP because you have been so damaged by Sony you can't tell an Apple from a Dell!" Jimmy was cut off by a jacknifed truck and didn't get to tell Max about the dangers of PSP addiction. Kansas would have been worse, but only if the road hadn't been paved and thus fit into the landscape better, even though he did ride a tractor for a while to generate extra greenhouse gases because he had purchased too many carbon credits. Jimmy was shocked that nothing had been done to enliven the Kansas roads except for adding new billboards concerning Mike Tyson running the "Deal or No Deal" game show in place of John Kerry because he was busy writing sermons for Reverend Jesse Jackson. Sermons aside, Max pulled back up and helped a hijacker tie Jimmy to the hood of a passing semi. The rest of the ride to Utah was exhilarating, but Jimmy ended up getting off a few hundred miles off-course. This could only be solved by riding the strawberry car with the illegals up to New City. When he arrived there, Al Sharpton was conducting a mystic purification of his dwelling so his soul could abide in semi-eternal peace. So long as Sony left him alone, he could be happy.

The moral of the story: The more you write, the weirder it gets...


Jimmy Was Walking to the Road to Hitchike: Part 3

And now for the third part in the series:

Jimmy was walking to the road to hitchhike. It was snowing. He saw a big tree and decided to climb it. When he was halfway up, he realized that he had no reason to climb the tree, so he decided to use it to look for Max, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. When he got to the top, he looked around, but instead of finding Max, he found National Geographic filming an episode on maps. Suddenly the wind whipped up, and Jimmy was tossed. He fell out and landed on a water buffalo. The buffalo took off at a gallop, with Jimmy hanging on. He was riding on the buffalo and an antelope came and asked him why he was sitting in his cantaloupes. Jimmy got down off the buffalo and started looking for Hidden Valley Ski Resort, where his car was parked. He kept walking, but when he reached the road, he didn’t see Hidden Valley. So Jimmy pulled out his PSP to listen to some music, and his DS to send a wireless message to Max, who was at McDonald’s. He sent Max the message, “Where is Hidden Valley Ski Resort?” A friendly motorist pulled over and pulled out a gun. He fired, but the bullet didn’t land. Jimmy thought this was strange, and it also reminded him of a TV show that his parents used to watch. Max sent a message back, asking Jimmy to play chess. Jimmy worked hard, but Max beat him. Then Max said, “You would have won if you didn’t have that useless Sony piece of junk. It is emitting hazardous radiation that is destructive to your Logical Facilities.” Jimmy decided to sue Sony for making such defective products, but he still hadn’t found his car or Hidden Valley. So he messaged Max, “You still haven’t told me where Hidden Valley is!” Max told him, “What does it matter to you? Besides, you still have that defective PSP!” Jimmy figured out that there were two ways to find Hidden Valley. First, he could walk back the way he had come. Secondly, he could ask the National Geographic crew. He got on the road, and while dodging cars, played Halo with a guy named “550ktrsAMA”. 550ktrsAMA was much worse than Jimmy at Halo, but he knew how to hack the system. Therefore, the game ended on a stalemate, with 550ktrsAMA winning. Jimmy decided he would retrace his steps, hoping to find Hidden Valley. As he walked along, he found a cantaloupe lying on the ground. This must have been one of the cantaloupes that the antelope was talking about. He suddenly picked up the cantaloupe and threw it. It disappeared—landed without a crash. Then Johnny Appleseed came out of the forest and asked Jimmy if he knew of a place that wasn’t snowing. Jimmy asked if he was still planting the apple seeds. Johnny replied that there were enough apple trees, so he had begun planting peach trees. Jimmy asked him if he knew where Hidden Valley Ranch was. Johnny said no. Then Max showed up and drove Jimmy to his lawyer.

The moral of the story is: Don’t ski in places that imply secrecy in their name.


Random Story 2: Part 2

Continuing in our series, today we have Random Story 2 by Gonkzz:

Jimmy was on his way to E3 ’09. He wanted to go there so he could find out the future of the video game industry so as to be better educated on which companies to invest in. On his way, he almost walked into a bar, but he wasn’t quite tall enough to hit it. Jimmy then decided he would take the long way home which led him to an apple tree. The tree was about 40 meters tall and 3 meters in circumference, but that’s not really important to the story. What is important, however, is that on the tree grew red, green, and golden apples of the sort that you often see on Christmas Trees as ornaments. In other words, they were plastic.
Jimmy, wishing to do a random noble deed, decided he would make a sign warning everyone not to eat the plastic apples. He decided the best way would to do this would be to project a hologram saying: “Do Not Eat the Apples, They Are Plastic,” in front of the tree. But that would be far too expensive! He needed to save his money for deluxe accommodations in Los Angeles when he went to E3. So instead, he built a wood sign. While nailing the sign to the signpost, Jimmy unfortunately got a splinter. This reminded him of a movie he once saw, but he couldn’t remember the name of it. Jimmy decided that the only thing left to do was to chop down the apple tree which had indirectly caused him this pain! So he left to go borrow a chainsaw. When he returned, the tree was gone!
Jimmy cried out in desperation, “You tree! You may have escaped this time, but I’ll find you and chop you down!”
One month later, Jimmy was on an airplane bound for Jordan. The in-flight movie was terrible. It was about an aspirin carver falling in love with an optometrist. By the end of the movie, the aspirin carver’s dog had died forcing him to sell his home, his car, and his Pulitzer prize that he had won after writing his little-know masterpiece, “The Walrus and the Cynic,” and he moved to Siberia where he lived in a cave with the Yeti who was a terribly messy roommate.
Jimmy was so appalled by the movie’s horribleness—the writing, the directing, the acting—that he threw himself out the window of the plane. Fortunately, he had a jetpack and a parachute. But which to use? To decide, Jimmy whipped out his Nintendo DS and started playing chess via wireless network. Unfortunately, Jimmy was paired against someone with the screen name, “dennis_weredana.” “dennis_weredana,” actually turned out to be the long-lost Bobby Fischer, who was once the best chess player in the world. The game ended in a stalemate, so Jimmy still had no idea whether to use the jetpack or the parachute.
Abhorring indecisiveness, Jimmy decided upon the jetpack.

The moral of this story is: don’t measure trees using the metric system.


Max's novel: Part 1

So, for your entertainment, I've decided to publish a series written by my friends and I once each Saturday in July. So, without further ado, Max's Novel:

It was a cold day in August. Jimmy went to the local market and ordered a philly cheese steak Thickburger. His total was $7.85. He didn’t like the green bell peppers, but other than that it was ok. He bought it from a strange immigrant who called himself Emilio. Emilio asked him if he wanted any stereo equipment. Jimmy had a woofer with a side of CD’s to go. He paid another $200. The strange immigrant vanished in front of his eyes. Later that night, Jimmy went back to his hotel room and saw Emilio watching TV. He was watching Wheel of Fortune, and Regis Philbin usurped Pat Sajak by skewering him on the wheel. The first contestant spun $550. He guessed “T.” To which Regis replied, “Would you like to use a lifeline?” I beamed an equivalent frequency at Jimmy’s TV from my hotel window across the freeway. I changed it to American Gladiators. Emilio was competing on this show, so I knew it was a rerun. But I was wrong. Jimmy looked at Emilio, and he pulled of his skin. It was Mike Tyson. And he proceeded to chase his ear(he has this rare disease where people have strange nicotine-like cravings for ears, but Jimmy left his at GenCon ’05. Mike was crying, begging for an ear. Jimmy called room service and ordered 1432 chicken wings. When the room service lady came up to deliver the grub, Tyson had a snack, and Jimmy had some wings. Jimmy went to the bathroom and took a shower. When he was about to dry his hair, he realized that the hairdryer was also a .50 caliber magnum – a hotel safety device. He took it and fired at Tyson. But Tyson was unharmed. Then Jimmy realized – he was in a Marriott. Mike pulled out The Pearl of Great Price with ‘a bullet hole in it. “You!” Jimmy exclaimed, “taking advantage of free LDS literature! Tyson screamed, “This crap is LDS? Forgive me, Allah!!!” Allah summoned the “ring girl” out of Jimmy’s TV via HBO and she ate Mike Tyson. Then, I came into the room and ate the remainder of Jimmy’s chicken wings.

The moral of the story is – NEVER stay at Mormon hotels. They’re really creepy…